Wine Cork Adventures: Conquering Corkageddon for the Perfect Pour

For nonwine enthusiasts or collectors, “Corkageddon” has occurred at some point. We know the story… you have a bottle of wine and the cork is stuck. There are ways to avoid a stuck wine cork. Wine collectors and enthusiasts will usually have their wine properly stored in either a wine cellar or wine refrigeration unit. Let’s go over a story though in detail on why this happens.

It’s dry, you can literally hear the squeak when you turn the corkscrew as you twist the corkscrew in. There are 10 people at the party, you are the appointed wine expert as you tend to be the person that picks the wine because the other guests “don’t know anything about wine”. The corkscrew is not your usual wide-girth spiral corkscrew you keep at your house. Why would you have thought to bring one, it’s not your house.

You continue to slowly twist the corkscrew in an effort to get as much of the corkscrew in before you make your herculean move of pulling it out (worthless plastic corkscrew from Mardi Gras that appears to be something thrown to the crowd or given away at a liquor store in NOLA during Mardi Gras). The first attempt at a pull of the cork provides resistance that serves as a warning from the cork itself as a statement “This is not going to end well unless you like a cork in your wine”. You know you’re in “Corkageddon” now.

The bottle is then placed on the table while guests continue to look on and watch your technique because they themselves break corks all the time. YOU, the expert in wine (they appointed you as the expert) are not on the “wine cork stage”. Gently twist a little more… more squeaking follows. “For certain this was not in the proper wine storage format” you mumble to yourself. One more small twist until you see the point of the corkscrew penetrate the bottom of the cork. Full pull. The bottle is then poised to either be the victor of the battle or you will have to salvage the wine with some filtration format… AT a house that is not yours.

The full-strength pull proves what you predicted in between your mumbles. The cork is too dry and the corkscrew pulls out yielding 18.2 percent of the cork. It’s not the 18.2 percent that is the issue. It’s the fact that it is 18.2 percent in the exact center of the cork. The crowd provides you with a look of shame, not of their own but you should be ashamed. WHY? Because they appointed you the expert and you should know how to open a bottle of wine that has not been properly refrigerated over its life. Never mind the fact they bought it in a corner store that had it sitting next to the heater for the past six months!

Round two. You put the bottle down, mumble something about the shitty corkscrew and begin to ravage the drawers to seek another corkscrew. One of the guests offer up a solution of using a shoe to hit the bottom to drive the cork out because they saw it on a social media platform and it works. Hitting a bottle of wine on the bottom with a shoe in the middle of a social gathering seems like a logical solution you should consider. But as a first-line option for sheer entertainment with your neighbor, not when 18.2 percent of the center core of the cork was missing at the dinner party.

What to do… what do! The bottle is barely cold currently so for sure the wine cabinet they had just stuck it in 20 minutes ago was not adequate for getting the temperature up so perhaps take a pass. Perhaps recommend letting it chill as it is not cold enough to drink (after all you are the appointed expert).

Go for it. This is it. It’s time to McGyver and make it happen. You gently turn the bottle to the side and make the final attempt to put the corkscrew in at an angle. A cross thread if you will from the opening at the top of the bottle to the opposite side of the corkscrew on the bottom. The squeaking of the dry cork continues. You take a deep breath under your breath and start to pull. It feels like the corkscrew is starting to slip. You let off on the pressure in hopes that less but consistent pressure helps.

The cork finally comes out. The relief felt as if you just passed the final class of becoming a Sommelier. You get to keep your title of the “expert” in wine, at least for tonight. You smile and pour everyone a glass as if the spoils of the war that was just fought were earned by all from “Corkageddon”. Ah yes, sweet victory. You swirl your glass in an effort to continue the role of “wine king” and glare at the wine while it gently slides down the inside of the glass admiring the gentle deep colors of cabernet and take your first sip. The taste is like semi-cold vinegar! All of your efforts and gallantry to open this bottle of wine have been immediately forgotten by all as they sequentially realize the bottle is bad. All of that work for a bottle that was not stored in a proper wine refrigeration system is down the drain. Until the host says… “I have a bottle in the laundry room we can open” …here we go again!